The life that passes on right before our eyes, seems to elude us most of the times. In all sense life eludes most of us. Never in life have I felt in control of it. It was guiding me rather that me guiding it and living it. Most of the times it seems to have a life of it’s own. Those moments where I have actually felt that life was worth living are far in the past are covered with the filth of, memories and moments that come after it. Never to be recalled ever again. Even if I had known at that time that these were the defining moments that would make up my life, there would have been no way to save it from eminent loss in a flood of memories. But had I realized that those were never again to be, life could have been lived differently. Atleast , preservation and immortalization of those with words, as much as I am capable of would have been possible. Never in life have I doubted myself, except in moments that made me question my own methods. Doubt has never been an unending question without answers. Everything was made clear by thought. Thought was the constant companion that never left my side even for a moment. But that failed to heed my minds commands at times, and those times I shall never forget. Those were etched inside as though never forgetting them was a punishment in itself. It is indeed a punishment to carry the burden of all those skeletons that keep rattling the door that separates my sanity and my insanity. Never has a moment passed without the fear of insanity taking over.
Life changed in the course of years. I learned to live with what all I had to carry.. I never recognized the shoulders that were tilt ,to let me rest my head. I was in search of something else. Had I seen them, life would have never been what it is now. And of course ever the same for the heart that made those shoulders tilt. Indeed, thinking about the times and the seemingly brilliant opportunities that i have left behind , I feel everything could have been different. That I could have been different! Difference is only relative and doesn’t necessarily mean better. In fact, the moments that molded me to the person I am now might very well have been there even if I had chosen differently.
Somewhere I have said that choices that we make every second redirects our lives in an entirely new direction. At times those direction might be so drastic that it makes a huge impact on our lives in an instant. Sometimes the changes are so subtle that there can be no noticeable effect in our lives. But those also go about making changes that we hardly notice, but do make us bit by bit. Just think about it. Every moment that we pass through, make us. Make us into what we are. Bit by bit we are built into something just to vanish into something we don’t understand.
Of all the wonderful gifts given to man, the ability to think is the best. Without which we all would have been nothing more than machines to keep the eco system going. It’s what makes all things possible, or impossible. The possibilities are endless. What the human mind than think up has no limits. That in itself is a good think and a bad thing. Everything that we feel or enjoy or relish is all in our minds. Nothing is outside of it. Everything is what we think of, nothing more. We feel we are happy because we can feel happiness with our minds or hearts or brain. All of these heart, mind and brain are the same, at the same time we can find different roles and attributes for each, making us think that all are different entities. That is the power of thinking. In fact that can be the perfect example of the power of thought.. If we can feel that one thing that really exists is three different things at the same time perfectly knowing that it is one and the same, what else can prove that that everything that we feel and sense is completely inside our heads.
So in theory anything we desire can be created inside our heads. We can think up happiness or sadness. We can think up tension or relief. Anything we need to feel we can create inside ourselves. The why is it not done? Theoretically it is possible, thought practically, it can be far from easy. Imagine thinking up any mood that we want. Interesting theory. Bt to what extent is it possible. I can think up sadness or depression anytime I want, but it’s not so easy to think up happiness or some good emotion. May be sadness is easy because we all tend to enjoy sadness to some extent. May be it’s coz I’ve felt more sadness in my life that happiness. May be it’s coz I’ve felt more at ease with sadness than happiness. May be sadness make me more at ease that happiness. May be I’m more comfortable with sadness than happiness.
The love that is never returned is the best sort of love. Because it gives you the best sort of feeling, that nothing else can. At the same time it gives you pleasure and and underlying pain that never surfaces but contnues to burn you from within. It’s a scalding sort of feeling that makes your heart year for something different. But it also pleases the heart’s dark side. Darkness is not as in pitch black darkness that is filled with evil. But as in darkness that can drive us to do things that we never do. May be the darkness originates from that original sin that our first kind did. May be it’s just inherent in all of us, something that we are all born with. But what ever it may be , it is there inside. Inside all of us. No amount of denial can make that any different.
The sort of love that you give without receiving anything in return is perhaps a fragment of your self satisfaction. It is never that you give anything , especially love , Expecting none in return. You always expect it in return. If it is ever returned you will never fail to receive it. Then what is that? What does unconditional love really mean? Is it not reality? I know it is. For I have seen it. I have given it. But it never is unconditional. May be in some sense it is. But never in all the strength and depth that the word depicts. It never can be because love is a strange emotion. So strange that there can never be a perfect explanation.
