Why Change

        The only thing constant in life is change.. Change is never easy. and after each phase of live we tend to sit donwn and think, why should I change , why should anything change. Why should someting , that seems to be going perfectly change..

We , life, should change because change is the only constant in life. Without change what would be life ? without change what would have meaning in life.. Everytihng, every single thing that we hold precious in life will loose it's shine and it's valiue if life dosent change, if our situations dosent change, if the bonds that tie us down dosent change. Take anything, anything at all that you hold precious in life and think, take the instances of life that you hold dear in life and think, do i want that not to change? It is when we move on in life that we can actually look back and see what that beauty of life is. Always, all the days that we lived, all the people that you met, all the things and seconds of life that you passed through dosent really make sense, nothing really adds up when you try to look and decipher the intricate fabric of life. But walk ahead, walk ahead and turn and then look at the life that was lived, and try to see whether life makes sense.. It will. It always does.. sometimes you just have to look hard, and sometimes you just have to open your eyes to see, and sometimes you might just have to close your eyes to see..

Life makes sense.. Everything in it does too.. 

The sense may not seem so, when the sense you are looking for in life is not what it needs.

It maynot seem like sense, when what you think is sense is not really that.

To look upon life as ourselves, sometimes will only make things seem as they are.. Step out, step out of yourself, stepout of prejudices, step out of the grime and dirt that makes out looks narrow. See life as it is. Expect nothing, judge nothing,hope for nothing , and then you might realise that everyting that you needed was there.. Though everything that was wanted may not be there..

I like to think of life like this: Every instance that i passed thorough in life, every hardship, every triumph, every tear and every smile,every frined who was met along the way and every enemy, every word that was said, and evey single one that was heard, it all worked together to make the person that I am today. If  nothing changed i would not be who i am.

I still hate change.. Sometimes we crave for change, to run from somethings, sometimes we hate change, so that we wont have to run from somethings... But life is something like running on a treadmill.. You dont have a choice but to keep running.. And those of us who try to stand still, end up falling.. And those of us who actually managed to stop , realises that only you have stopped, everything and everyone else is still running.. So whether you choose to run or wish to stand, the track keeps moving.. And we end up changing eitherway..

സംഗീതം

അടഞ്ഞ മനസ്സിന്‍റെ വാതിലുകള്‍ തള്ളിത്തുറക്കുന്ന സംഗീതം. താഴിട്ടു പൂട്ടിയ നിലവറ വാതിലുകള്‍ക്കും മോചനം. അവയിലുറങ്ങുന്ന പൊടിപിടിച്ചതും പൊടി പിടിപ്പിച്ചതുമായ ഓര്‍മ്മകള്‍ക്കും സ്വപ്നങ്ങളുടെ നടുമുറ്റത്ത്‌ ഒരു സൂര്യോദയം കൂടി കാണാന്‍ ഒരവസരം. സംഗീതം മനസ്സിനെ പിടിച്ചുലക്കുന്നത് സ്വര-നാദത്തിന്റെ ശക്തി കൊണ്ടു മാത്രമല്ല , അതുണര്‍ത്തുന്ന ഓര്‍മകളുടെ ആഴം കൊണ്ടുകൂടിയാണ് .

എന്താണെന്നറിയാത്ത , എന്തിനെന്നറിയാത്ത ഒരു ദുഖത്തെ മനസ്സിന്‍റെ ഉള്ളിലെവിടെയോ ഉണര്‍ത്തുന്ന സംഗീതം , അതിന് ഉള്ള ആകര്‍ക്ഷിനീയത മറ്റൊരു തരം സംഗീതത്തിനും ഇല്ല.

" വൈശാകസന്ധ്യേ " http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcMCxSD0dMU

ഇത്രയും കാവ്യ ഭംഗിയുള്ള മറ്റൊരു പ്രേമ ഗാനവും ഇല്ല. പക്ഷെ ഈ ഗാനത്തിന്‍റെ സംഗീതം നമ്മില്‍ ഉണര്‍ത്തുന്നത് കേട്ടു മടുത്ത പൈങ്കിളി പ്രണയത്തിന്‍റെ ഭാവമല്ല. അര്‍ത്ഥഗര്‍ഭമായ ഒരു വികാരമാണ് . ആ വികാരം എന്താണെന്നു ഇതുവരെ എനിക്ക് മനസിലാക്കാന്‍ കഴിഞ്ഞിട്ടില്ല .. അത് തന്നെയായിരിക്കണം എന്നെ ഈ ഗാനം കേള്‍ക്കാന്‍ പ്രേരിപിക്കുനതും ,അതെ സമയം കേള്‍ക്കുനത്തില്‍ നിന്നും എന്നെ പിന്തിരിപ്പിക്കുനതും..

ചിലപ്പോള്‍ അര്‍ഥങ്ങള്‍ തേടിയുള്ള ഈ ജീവതത്തില്‍ ഒരുനാള്‍ .....

Reach out...

3 AM.. in the morning
Exam tomorrow.. at 6 pm
was in the library till 2 Am studying... Bio.. someting i dont really like, coz i cant remember all the stuff that i'm supposed to remeber...

LOg into orkut for some updates on friends, before hitting the bed..

I get surprised, that one of my friends got married!!!!! Damn..

and then i see this.. this picture... I was staring for a long time, taking in what it was showing me, searching for words, searching for thought.. i couldnt quite place the emotions i felt when i saw this.. there were a lot of them.. rushing in... may be it was sadness that topped it all.. a small pricking sadness that pokes at all the things that you had burried somewhere deep.. all those moments in life when you were alone in life and really felt it.. all those moments when you stared at the overcast sky, the faded light and the wind blowing , tihnking about life and thinking about lonliness and thinking about all those things that might bring a tear to your eye..

you just feel like reaching out to touch the lonliness and wipe it away........

Being American

Time : 2.17 am .. US time :D
11.48 Am India..

I know that conversion even in my sleep now a days..

What am i doing Up so late... I dont know..
cant seem to get sleep now-a-days.. ( may be i shud say now-a-nights...)
it's too late , even for a late jet lag.. It's been one month and 5 days..
One month. ? I say that to myself outloud and all i can think is , Damn!! only one month ?
The first week dragged.. The second crawled..( isnt crawling faster than draggin ?)
and i walked a hell lot on the second week... U think how bad is 'a hell lot' ? Lets just say
i had blisters the size of a baseball ( Wot the hell, i'm in america.. i shud blend in , right? ) and
my jeans seemed a few sizes too big (Really!! ) by the end of day one of week two.

Why did i walk that much... Accomodation.. Yeah, i found it..
The only reason i stop myself from having a heart attack, thinking about the rent i pay ,is by thinking about the money that i'd have to spend in a hospital if i do have a heart attack..

And i met a mallu, who didnt want to share my apt ( yeah looking for more ppl.. more ppl.. more fun..less rent :D ) coz one of the guys staying with me is from our neighbouring country..
Mr. Mallu said "it'll be hard if an India-pak war breaks out"
What? Kid, war dosent mean all indians n pakistanis all over the world fight with each other!!!
( yeah, i'm not scared!! I'm bigger than my roomie :D )

And , to buy anything u have to use a calculator to convert the Price to Rupees..
I think i'll get an indigesion thinking that the slice of bread i ate was worth 5 Rs...
( yes single slice )
Now, wait.. I cant have indigesion.. I cant throw up a 5 rs bread Slice.....
And i think i'm gonna stop going through my 'morning Routines'..
That shit is damn costly.. Literally..

Electronics is cheap though.. it's like 2/3 the price..
May be i should start eating those....

What else is there.. that that should be here..
hmm...

Ofcourse... The Haircut...
I kinda like my hair.. I i like that fact that it is up there on my head..
But after getting a haircut i wished i were bald..
500 Rs.. Haircut..And it was the shadiest, lowliest, shabbiest ( read cheapest)
shop i could find..
I hear ppl spend upto 500 $ ( not converting to indian Rs incase i get the dreaded heartattack)

'Cherakkan poo' ennu parayunathu oru theri anenanuu njan vicharichirunathu..

( i cant really transilate that into English without loosing the essence of it... But still ..
"I was thinking 'why dont u go be a barber' was derrogatory.." )
All i could tell the barber ( i dont think i shud really call him that.. may be "his-higness"..) was
"Make it short..really really short..much as you can.... Just dont cut off anyscalp , that's all.... (Yeah... hospital.. otherwise i would have considered ....)

Have u heard that the american economy is receeding ?
U can really tell..
By looking at the way they dress.. especially the girls.. Poor things...


All part of being american ?
i'd rather stay indian..

തലക്കെട്ടില്ലാത്ത കവിത ....

അറിയാമെനിക്കീ പാതതന്‍ മറുവശം
ചെന്നെതുകില്ലിതൊരു സ്വപ്നതീരത്തിലും

കാല്‍വെയ്പതും മരുഭൂമി
കാണ്മതും മരുഭൂമി
കേള്പതും മരുഭൂമി

ഈ ദിനത്തിന്‍ ഒടുക്കം
മരിക്കുന്ന ചിന്തകള്‍
സംസ്കരിക്കാന്‍, ഞാന്‍ തേടും
ശ്മശാനം കത്തിരിപു‌ എനിക്കായ്
ഈ വഴിക്കൊടുവില്‍ .

ജീവിതം കോമാളി
ഭ്രാന്തനാം കോമാളി
ചിരിക്കുന്നു‌ ക്രൂരമായ്
മനുഷന്‍ കരയുമ്പോള്‍

വെച്ചുനീട്ടുനിതാ സ്വപ്‌നങ്ങള്‍
ബഹുവര്‍ണ്ണ സ്വപ്‌നങ്ങള്‍
എനിക്കോ ഈ സ്വപ്‌നങ്ങള്‍
മായതന്‍ ജല്പനം
കണ്തുറന്നീടുകില്‍ മായുമീ സ്വപ്‌നങ്ങള്‍


കുളിര്ക്കാറ്റിന്‍ കല്പ്പടി
ചവിട്ടുന്നതെങ്ങനെ
സ്വപ്നത്തിന്‍ ചിറകാല്‍
പറക്കുനതങ്ങനെ

മുന്നോട്ടു പോകയാണീവഴി -
മാത്രമെന്‍ കണ്ണ്മുന്നില്‍ ,
കാലടിപ്പാടുകള്‍ പതിയുന്നു
മരുഭൂവിന്‍ പൂഴിയില്‍ .
മണ്ണിലോ വിന്നിലോ മാഞ്ഞുപോം -
ക്കാലടിപ്പടുകള്‍ പതിയുന്നു
മനസ്സിന്‍റെ കായല്‍പരപ്പില്‍ , അടിത്തട്ടില്‍ .


കാണാമെനികെന്‍ യാത്രയുടെ-
യന്ത്യം , മരുഭൂവിന്‍ മറുപുറം
ഈവഴിക്കപ്പുറം .തിരഞ്ഞെടുത്തിന്നുഞ്ഞാ-
നീജീവിത പാത.
ചിതയോരുക്കെന്‍ ചിന്തകള്‍ക്കായ്‌
ചിതയോരുക്കെന്‍ സ്വപ്നങ്ങള്‍ക്കായ്‌

മരണമെന്ന ദൈവ ദൂതന്‍
വരണമെന്ന ചിന്തകള്‍
മുഴുകി നീങ്ങും നാളുകള്‍
മുഴങ്ങും സ്വര്‍ഗ്ഗ കാഹളം

മാറ്റമെന്ന മാരുതന്‍
കടപുഴക്കി ചിന്തകള്‍
മാറിവന്ന നാളുകള്‍
മറന്നുപോയ താളുകള്‍

അടഞ്ഞു പോയ കണ്ണുകള്‍
തുറന്നതില്ല മാനസം
അടച്ചുവെച്ച നാളുകള്‍
അറിഞ്ഞു വന്ന വീഴ്ചകള്‍

വീഴുന്നുതിന്നീ മാനവന്‍
ഉയര്‍ന്നു പോയ പടികളില്‍
വിടര്‍ന്നു വന്ന കണ്ണുകള്‍
വിവര്‍ണമായി മിഴികളും

യാത്ര പോയ കാലമേ
തിരിച്ചു നല്‍കു നാളുകള്‍
യാതനക്ക് മോചനം
യാചനയ്ക്കു പ്രതിഫലം

വിടര്‍ന്നു നിന്ന കുസുമമേ
അടര്‍ന്നു പോയ ഇതളുകള്‍
വീണു പോയ വീഥികള്‍
വരില്ല പോയ നാളുകള്‍

മരണമെന്ന ദൈവ ദൂതന്‍
വരണമെന്ന ചിന്തകള്‍
മുഴുകി നീങ്ങും നാളുകള്‍
മുഴങ്ങും സ്വര്‍ഗ്ഗ കാഹളം

മരീചിക

മുന്നോട്ടു വെക്കുന്ന ഓരോ കാലടിയും ഒരു യുഗം കഴിഞ്ഞാണ്‌ ഭു‌മിയില്‍ പതികുന്നതെന്ന് തോന്നും. കാലിനു ഒരു ഭൂഗോളത്തിന്റെ ഭാരവും.
വീശിയടിക്കുന്ന മണല്‍ കാറ്റിന് സൂചികളുടെ കൂട്ടമെന്നു തോന്നിക്കുമാറ്‌ വേഗത..
ഹൊ , എന്തൊരു വിധി .ചുട്ടു പൊള്ളുന്ന മരുഭൂമി.
നരകത്തില്‍ സ്ഥലം പോരാതെ വന്നാല്‍ ഈ മരുഭൂമികള്‍ ഉപയോഗിക്കാം.

നോക്കെത്താ ദൂരത്തോളം മണല്‍. ചുട്ടു പഴുത്ത മണല്‍.
തലയ്ക്കു മീതെയുള്ള സൂര്യനും കാലിനടിയിലുള്ള ഭൂമിയും മത്സരിച്ചു മനുഷ്യനെ വറക്കുന്നു.

ഒരു തുള്ളി വെള്ളത്തിന്‌ കടലുകളേക്കാള്‍ വില .
ഒരു തുള്ളി വെള്ളത്തിന്‌ ചോരയേക്കാള്‍ വില. ജീവനേക്കാള്‍ വില.
ദാഹജലത്തിനായുള്ള ശരീരത്തിന്റെ മുറവിളി , മനസിനെ കീഴ്പെടുത്തുന്ന , മനസാക്ഷിയെ കീഴ്പെടുത്തുന്ന, സഹയാത്രികനെ കൊന്നു ചോര കുടിക്കുന്ന മൃഗീയത മനുഷികമാകുന്ന പരീക്ഷണ ഭൂമി .

മുന്നോട്ടു പോകുന്നത് മരണത്തിലേക്ക് മാത്രമാണെന്ന അറിവോടികൂടിതന്നെ , ജീവിതത്തിന്റെ അവസാന നിമിക്ഷങ്ങള്‍ തലകുനിച്ചു മരണത്തിനടിപെടുവാന്‍ തല്പര്യമിലതതുകൊണ്ട് മാത്രം, അടുത്ത കാലടി വെക്കാന്‍ മനസ്സുകൊണ്ട് ശരീരത്തിനെ അനുസരിപ്പിക്കുന്ന നിമിഷങ്ങള്‍.

ഒരു നിമിക്ഷം. പൊടി അടച്ച കണ്ണുകളെ ഒന്നു തുറന്നപ്പോള്‍ , സ്വര്‍ഗം ആകാശങ്ങളില്‍നിന്ന് ഇറങ്ങി വന്നിരിക്കുന്നു.
അല്ല , ഇതു നരകമല്ല . കല്ലും മുള്ളും നിറഞ്ഞ സ്വര്‍ഗത്തിലേക്കുള്ള പാത മാത്രം.
ഞാന്‍ എന്തിന് എന്‍റെ വിധിയെ പഴിച്ചു , എന്തിന് ദൈവത്തിനെ സംശയിച്ചു.
മാപ് , സമസ്ഥാപരധങ്ങള്‍ക്കും മാപ് .
സ്വര്‍ഗത്തിന്‍റെ വാതില്‍ എനിക്കായ് തുറന്നിട്ടിരിക്കുന്നു .
എന്നോ മരിച്ച കാലുകള്‍ക്കു ജീവന്‍ വെക്കുന്നു.. തളര്‍ച്ച മറന്നു അവരോടുന്നു ..
ചൂടേറ്റു ചുവന്ന മണല്‍ കാലിലെ മാംസത്തില്‍ തറച്ചു കയറുന്നില്ല.
പൊടിക്കാറ്റ് കണ്ണുകളെ അന്ധത കൊണ്ടു മറയ്കുനില്ല.
കണ്ണിനും മനസ്സിനും മുന്നില്‍ ഭൂമിയില്‍ എനിക്കായ് തുറന്ന സ്വര്‍ഗ്ഗ വാതിലുകള്‍ മാത്രം..

ചിരിക്കുകയായിരുന്നു .. അട്ടഹസിച്ച് , ആര്‍ത്താര്‍ത്തു ചിരിക്കുകയായിരുന്നു .
മുന്നില്‍ വേച്ചു വീഴുന്ന മനുഷ്യനെ കണ്ടു ചിരികുകയായിരുന്നു മരിചിക.
ദാഹിച്ചു വരണ്ട തൊണ്ടയിലേക്ക്‌ മണല്‍ കോരിയിടുന്ന , ശ്വാസത്തിനുവേണ്ടി , ജീവന് വേന്ണ്ടി പിടയുന്ന മനുഷ കോലങ്ങളെ നോക്കി.

ചിരികുകയായിരുന്നു മരിചിക.

മരിചികയും , അതുണ്ടാക്കുന്ന ദൈവങ്ങളും..

A River Flows

a river flows..
It flows liek anyother river, but in the heart of that river,
in the heart of that flow, there is a poison, unlike any that man has ever seen.
Also in the heart of the river, in the heart of the flow,
there exists an elixir, unlike any that man can imagine.


some men have heard of the river.
they donot knwo whether it is a myth, or a dream or the child of someones idle imagination.
some men know of the river.
They know that it flows. They know that the flow never stops untill the day it empties into the ocean
And with it, it takes it's elixir and it's poison with it..
and upon falling and mixing with the never ending ocean,
it all turns to water... They both loose their powers.. They just cease to be.


some men have seen the river.
They have glimpsed the treasures it holds within.
The just do not know how to get it..
They want it , they want to be like the privilaged few..


And then there are the privilaged few..
some have seen it and plunged in to get it.
Some were just swimming in the river when they came across it.
some were lucky some were adamant.
Some were ment to get it.. some just squandered it.

Some choose the elixir.. some , the poison.

i wait by the river bank.
contemplating whether to jump in..
I wait to see if someone comes along to tell me what to to.
i wait to see if someone comes along and tells me
it's worth the effort.
I ask myself is this what i want.
I wait for someone to come along to answer that too..


And i wait by the river bank..thinking..

Lessons By Life...

Life is a great teacher. It teaches you even if you don’t want to learn, and that is the greatest thing about life. No matter whether you want to, or wish to or don’t think you need those lesions, or you didn’t even dream u would ever want those lessons, life teaches you, and when it does you have no option but to learn. Those who resist, those who protest and struggle against what is being taught, fall out. Those who catch up with the lessons, go ahead, in life.

You can call it life teaching, or if u're not as agnostic as me, you can call the teacher God. May be if you can see a face hidden by light (if u’re Christian) or some artist’s conception of the divine, as the teacher, may be, just may be you can learn something from life. If you choose not to, there is no way you can hold on against life, when everything, every wind, every wave going against you. I wonder, when I see people who seemingly glides their way through life, is life as simple, am I just making things hard for myself.. Is life so easy to face, or I it just me… Is it just me, and my madness (or folly) that makes me go around putting hurdles of thorn in front of others and me? Is it the work of a sadistic god who sits above and throws things in our path, which is already laden with potholes and pitfalls? I would so much love to believe in that sadistic God.. If it is not so, then why is it that religions teach us to praise and thank the God when something bad befalls us, thanking God for making that malady so small and for not bestowing upon us the chance to bear the chalice of sorrow that god is supposed to bless his best devotes with? Nothing else has ever seemed more right. May be this is Blasphemy, but I’m beyond that point where, the fear of death scares the hell out of me.

Death is the Kindest, most benevolent, most precious gift that God gives man. It is the penultimate blessing that anyone should pray for. I understand that now. I understand the importance of it.. When some one dies young, we always say, For God so loved him that he called him back. I now understand why that is too; why is it that God calls back the ones he love. Life is like a fight that we can never win.. We start living once we fail in life, once we give up. Once we give up fighting, once we give up trying to win over life, we win, and start living. It seemed to me often that life is like thins constant fight (ofcourse it is a constant fight) where we advance form one level to the next, like all those martial arts movies and sports movies where the hero, or the hero’s team advances form being noting and nobody, gradually winning it one by one, to go till the finals, and then winning it. But ofcourse life is so realistic, and that is the hell of it J. In life we never really go foreward form being the underdog. We are given one hurdle to overcome, and if we somehow manage to scrape through, we get another one, this time even bigger, even before ewe recover from the exhaustion which might have been the only, if any, good that might have come form over coming the first hurdle. If fight that too, we just chose to prolong the agony further. Because, in life u never really win, you never really reach the finals and win. I Often believed, ( and still do) that life is a test where god tests us thus, continuously, gradually, the intensity getting more n more. If we pass one test, then an even bigger n more painful one follows, to satisfy some sadistic pleasure that god derives from it all. God tests you till he finds that breaking point, where you finally break down n fall. I think the sooner you give up the better, you are saved from more grueling tests in life. Once you give up, god is satisfied, and gives you a peaceful life henceforth.

I think I fought too long, for I can no longer stand. But I think I gave god a pretty good time testing me, for he had to find such innovative methods, go to such lengths to reach here, thought I doubt if anything can be called innovative when it comes to god. When I look back, I wonder if this has been life or is it some dream from which I’m gonna wake up. But no. Life is not so condescending, nor is it benevolent. But if life is to be lived, you have to learn to loose to win, you have to give up to get it, give in to go ahead, and some how, that seems to fit perfectly in to the irony that is life.

Calvin ( Hobbes actually ) on Life.

The truest thing i've seen in a long time
May be you find it hard to digest,
but teh sooner you learn to accept this the better.

I'm stil trying and paying to price for groping about in the dark to grab a handful of mist.






(Click On image to enlarge... I know u cant read it.... )

Life

The life that passes on right before our eyes, seems to elude us most of the times. In all sense life eludes most of us. Never in life have I felt in control of it. It was guiding me rather that me guiding it and living it. Most of the times it seems to have a life of it’s own. Those moments where I have actually felt that life was worth living are far in the past are covered with the filth of, memories and moments that come after it. Never to be recalled ever again. Even if I had known at that time that these were the defining moments that would make up my life, there would have been no way to save it from eminent loss in a flood of memories. But had I realized that those were never again to be, life could have been lived differently. Atleast , preservation and immortalization of those with words, as much as I am capable of would have been possible. Never in life have I doubted myself, except in moments that made me question my own methods. Doubt has never been an unending question without answers. Everything was made clear by thought. Thought was the constant companion that never left my side even for a moment. But that failed to heed my minds commands at times, and those times I shall never forget. Those were etched inside as though never forgetting them was a punishment in itself. It is indeed a punishment to carry the burden of all those skeletons that keep rattling the door that separates my sanity and my insanity. Never has a moment passed without the fear of insanity taking over.

Life changed in the course of years. I learned to live with what all I had to carry.. I never recognized the shoulders that were tilt ,to let me rest my head. I was in search of something else. Had I seen them, life would have never been what it is now. And of course ever the same for the heart that made those shoulders tilt. Indeed, thinking about the times and the seemingly brilliant opportunities that i have left behind , I feel everything could have been different. That I could have been different! Difference is only relative and doesn’t necessarily mean better. In fact, the moments that molded me to the person I am now might very well have been there even if I had chosen differently.

Somewhere I have said that choices that we make every second redirects our lives in an entirely new direction. At times those direction might be so drastic that it makes a huge impact on our lives in an instant. Sometimes the changes are so subtle that there can be no noticeable effect in our lives. But those also go about making changes that we hardly notice, but do make us bit by bit. Just think about it. Every moment that we pass through, make us. Make us into what we are. Bit by bit we are built into something just to vanish into something we don’t understand.
Of all the wonderful gifts given to man, the ability to think is the best. Without which we all would have been nothing more than machines to keep the eco system going. It’s what makes all things possible, or impossible. The possibilities are endless. What the human mind than think up has no limits. That in itself is a good think and a bad thing. Everything that we feel or enjoy or relish is all in our minds. Nothing is outside of it. Everything is what we think of, nothing more. We feel we are happy because we can feel happiness with our minds or hearts or brain. All of these heart, mind and brain are the same, at the same time we can find different roles and attributes for each, making us think that all are different entities. That is the power of thinking. In fact that can be the perfect example of the power of thought.. If we can feel that one thing that really exists is three different things at the same time perfectly knowing that it is one and the same, what else can prove that that everything that we feel and sense is completely inside our heads.

So in theory anything we desire can be created inside our heads. We can think up happiness or sadness. We can think up tension or relief. Anything we need to feel we can create inside ourselves. The why is it not done? Theoretically it is possible, thought practically, it can be far from easy. Imagine thinking up any mood that we want. Interesting theory. Bt to what extent is it possible. I can think up sadness or depression anytime I want, but it’s not so easy to think up happiness or some good emotion. May be sadness is easy because we all tend to enjoy sadness to some extent. May be it’s coz I’ve felt more sadness in my life that happiness. May be it’s coz I’ve felt more at ease with sadness than happiness. May be sadness make me more at ease that happiness. May be I’m more comfortable with sadness than happiness.

The love that is never returned is the best sort of love. Because it gives you the best sort of feeling, that nothing else can. At the same time it gives you pleasure and and underlying pain that never surfaces but contnues to burn you from within. It’s a scalding sort of feeling that makes your heart year for something different. But it also pleases the heart’s dark side. Darkness is not as in pitch black darkness that is filled with evil. But as in darkness that can drive us to do things that we never do. May be the darkness originates from that original sin that our first kind did. May be it’s just inherent in all of us, something that we are all born with. But what ever it may be , it is there inside. Inside all of us. No amount of denial can make that any different.

The sort of love that you give without receiving anything in return is perhaps a fragment of your self satisfaction. It is never that you give anything , especially love , Expecting none in return. You always expect it in return. If it is ever returned you will never fail to receive it. Then what is that? What does unconditional love really mean? Is it not reality? I know it is. For I have seen it. I have given it. But it never is unconditional. May be in some sense it is. But never in all the strength and depth that the word depicts. It never can be because love is a strange emotion. So strange that there can never be a perfect explanation.